bbyxkimchiii

13
Nov

back into the grind

i wish i listened to everyone who told me not to “take time off” before going to grad school. it’s really hard getting back into the grind! blah. i know what it is that i have to do, but work alone is more than enough for me >.<

i should really make a habit of studying when i have time, but its kinda difficult making myself do that when i have no motivation.

today, i went to church with my bebfe and his friend :] it was kind of a depressing day though because poor lisa smn has passed away after suffering from scleroderma for 5 long years… my heart & throat clenched everytime i looked over at pastor isaac holding in his emotions whenever his wife’s death was brought up… she was such a sweet sweet lady, always with a bright smile on her face regardless of what her condition was. i hope pastor isaac stays strong and continues to move on with his life without too much hardship :/ this was definitely a big reality check that no one lives forever, and its what we do with our short time here that’s going to establish whether we lived a good life or bad life. i don’t want to live a life of regret, so i need to push myself to fulfill my dreams!
2
Jul

for my own memory’s sake

this entry is written just so i can get everything off my chest.. so i can write it all down, package it up, and be done with it. i’m not asking any of you to read this, so feel free to move on and ignore this one if you’d like! but i’m not stopping you from doing so either. here it goes…

june 2003 - june 2010. RIP. lol

so i decided to write an entry to mark the end of this ridiculous relationship i had with a ridiculous guy i thought i was falling in love with… i swear, i was naive and REALLY believed i could make it work with him! he had me convinced that “with time and effort” i would be able to trust him enough to marry him and have a real relationship with him… build up a family.. you know. everything i ever dreamed of. i never thought id be able to build up enough courage to just stop and say I’M DONE with him. EVER. i’ve had this stupid stupid crush on him ever since i was really young (15 to be exact), and sadly, i had fallen completely head over heels for him :( i’m sure many many of these stories i’m going to write about will sound familiar to you, and i apologize for such a long long entry, but i need to get it all out of me.

first encounter…

it really wasn’t much of an exciting “first encounter” i’ll have to admit… it was the summer of ‘03, before i was able to drive, but my mom still gave me her keys so my friend and i would go cruise the city, finding something fun to do. we always ended up at CnC, which was a new pc bang (‘internet cafe’ for you non-koreans), because the owners would always let us hang out there and they would buy us food and icecream :) i remember one day specifically.. we were there for seriously 5 hours! we must have driven Jun & Julius insane! Jun sent us on some crazy errands. He would give us a jar full of quarters and ask us to go grab him some carl’s junior because he cant leave work. Sheryl and I would look at him like “wtf” but still do it anyways, because we had nothing else to do in boring old rancho cucamonga. haha. in the end, we came back and still would not leave!

once we returned, there was a new car sitting out front. a black s2k, covered in decals, with the top down, parked backwards. my eye had been drawn to the car. im not gonna lie, i really was into guys who fixed up their cars. partially the reason i convinced my parents to buy me an acura rsx as my first car, so i can fix it up. haha. anyways, back to the story… there was this guy outside, smoking a cigarette while standing next to the car, and my friend, my “cousin” standing on the passenger side. “Hi Cousin!” i said, and walked back into CnC. After giving Jun his food and the remaining quarters, we sat down on the couch and just chilled. tony, my cousin, and the guy came in and sat with us. this was the first time i would “meet” him. johnny han. of course i dont remember much of the details, since it was 7 yrs ago, but jun looked up from his front desk over at johnny and yelled, “hey get these girls out of here!” (jokingly of course) “take them far far away!” while doing that hand motion signalling “away”. we laughed. and didn’t listen :) what happened in the end was i borrowed his phone to make a phone call. to myself. pretty amateur huh? anyways. thats how it all started…

the oppa i never had…

so since then, we constantly talked online & via text. i had a “crush” on him, but i never seriously liked him. ya kno? i started calling him my “oppa” and he really seemed to look out for me. always giving me advice and such. it was always so nice running into him too! there was a time where he was working at this sushi restaurant where the owner was friends with my parents, so we went often. he would always come by and talk to me and my family, and my parents seemed to like him then…

my junior year of highschool, my boyfriend at the time took me to bc cafe, a nice breakfast place in rancho. they have really yummy food! after we were done eating, we went up to the front to pay, and all of a sudden johnny walks in with this really pretty girl and his mom. i had NO idea that she was his mom! she owns this chinese restaurant in san bernardino, and i always go there with my parents. she smiled at me and said hi, and pointed to her son and said to me, “this is my handsome son johnny!” i knew she had a daughter, but i never knew she had a son. what a coincidence! i didn’t ever make that connection! anyways, he introduced me to his girlfriend from pennsylvania who just flew in apparently, and after all that, i left them so that they could get seated. not only for that, but because my boyfriend was waiting for me. haha

i dont remember talking to him too often after that for the next year.. especially because i got busy with school, and apparently he got injured from a really bad motorcycle accident where he was left in the hospital for about 4-5 months. how horrible -_- i did get updates about him from his mom whenever i went to eat at her restaurant. sometimes he was there helping his parents out, which was nice.

he swept me off my feet…

i hated my first year of college. it wasn’t what i expected it to be like, and i went home ALL the time. practically every weekend! i remember one day, i went to office max to run an errand for my mom. she needed a calculator, so i took my sister with me and we stopped by there. i walked in the door, and i saw someone who looked really familiar! i thought he was a classmate, until our eyes met and i realized that it was NOT who i thought he was. how embarrassing -_- i quickly looked away and walked towards the calculators. he was pretty cute tho. i was smiling.

from the end of the store, he followed me to the aisle i was at and asked me if i needed help. i kindly told him, “no thank you, i got it” while i stared at the 20 different calculators displayed on the shelves. he didn’t leave, and was so persistent to help me! i mean, i guess i didn’t mind? but to be honest, i knew what i needed. hahaa. my sister walked away because she thought the whole situation was hilarious and wanted to laugh. basically, long story short, he invited me to a barbeque he was having at his place, and he asked me for my number. surprisingly, i didn’t get too creeped out by him.. and i did. i actually gave a stranger my number. i was pretty scared when evening rolled around because i didn’t know how awkward it would be for me to just show up. ya kno? as soon as i got there, the first thing tony did was make sure i was comfortable. all his friends were so chill! all my fears just slipped away, and i had so much fun!

after a couple weeks, i stopped hearing from tony. i wasn’t quite sure what was going on. i couldnt really focus on my midterms either because i didn’t know why he wasn’t calling me. but surprise surprise, that very next day, i get a random IM from someone saying, “i see you driving around town in your nice new audi.” that scared the shit out of me! “who are you??! and how do you know what car i drive?” hahaha. apparently, johnny was helping his parents at their restaurant and my dad went in to go eat, so they just talked a bit and my dad told johnny about my new car. he IMed me in the morning, and i swear, we talked ALLL day! i had a sidekick at the time with a very convenient AIM feature, so we were talking on AIM, text, phone alll day. i was telling him about tony and how he wasnt calling me… then johnny decided he would drive down to sd to take me out and cheer me up. i was actually pretty excited :]

that night, he called me as soon as he drove into the parking lot next to my dorm in camp snoopy. i could hear his car from my room! acura nsx. all my suitemates told me they heard it too. he was dressed so nicely, in a clean crisp white button up shirt and slacks, because he had just gotten off work. he looked so handsome… we went to downtown to get a bite to eat and we talked while he drank a few beers. he told me at dinner that he could PROVE to me that he was better than tony. i think i was already swept away when he came down to sd that day, just to console me! after dinner, we just cruised around in his car. particularly because we had gotten lost and didn’t know how to get back -_- haha. we were on PCH driving 120mph. oh my god, what a thrill! it got pretty late, and i felt bad because he would have to drive back to irvine to go to work the next morning… i told him he could sleep in my bed and id sleep on the couch, and ill wake him up early. he said its okay and he needed to get back.. this was the start of our “relationship” because ever since that night, i talked to him every single day.

the next day, he told me he had to pull over on the side of the freeway and take a nap, because he was too sleepy! i felt so bad :[ but deep down, i was still so happy that he came down.

christmas time came around, and johnny randomly said to be one day, “lets go to sf.” i didn’t know what to say! i’d never been anywhere really outside of socal, so that sounded so exciting. “okay!” that’s all it took before he booked a room at Courtyard Marriot in downtown san fransisco. i knew that this would be a weekend i would never forget…

that friday, i drove up to irvine to stay the night there before we started our road trip up to sf saturday morning. his roommate and his roommate’s fiance were there too. that day, we all went together to go christmas tree shopping. i’d never done that either! once we picked out a perfect tree, we stopped by the grocery store to grab some food and wine, and headed back to the apartment. once the tree was set up, the men decided to cook dinner for us :] it was so cute! we were all drinking some wine, and we, the girls, decided to decorate the christmas tree and listen to some christmas music while the boys were still cooking. it was such a fun night…

though the weather was a bit gloomy and wet, sf was GREAT! we went to fisherman’s wharf, union square, ghirardelli square, the pier, golden gate bridge, chinatown… and as many places we could see before sunday arrived! while at the pier, we were just looking out into the water, when we all of a sudden saw some people on bicycles looking at us funny and pointing at us in fear. i was SO confused! they kept yelling at us, and none of this made sense to us until we were DRENCHED in water! so that’s what they were trying to say…. hahaa we couldn’t stop laughing while we walked to our car to get a change of clothes. :sigh: oh the fun times.

sketchy…

i constantly visited him in irvine on the weekends when i didn’t go home. one particular weekend, i visited when neither of his roommates were home, so he decided to invite his best friend and his girlfriend over to stay over. his best friend is the same guy who was with johnny when i first met him. my “cousin.” as soon as i arrived at his apartment, he came down to meet me in the garage with his friend and his friends girlfriend, and we all went to grab some pizza at a nearby place. he ordered pizza with everything on it! i dont eat meat on my pizzas :[ surprisingly, he sat there and picked everything off for me so i can eat! how sweet of him :] my cousin told him that he was whipped. haha. too bad he was far from that… after we stuffed our faces, we rented a couple movies to watch back at his place. as soon as we got back to our place and popped in a movie, something sketchy happened. johnnys phone would NOT stop ringing! and someone would not stop knocking on his door! i was really really confused… i tried to walk to the door, and he stopped me and told me not to go anywhere near the door. why not?? i thought.. but i listened to him and just sat there in the living room staring at the door, while megan stared at me and gave me a really confused look too… what was johnnys explanation? he told me that his roommates didn’t leave their portion of the rent before they left for mexico, so it was the landlord. um. sure… but whatever it was, i never expected it to be what i found out REALLY happened.

the truth was, it was his last girlfriend, who he apparently ended it with recently because he found out this girl was MARRIED, but she didnt want it to be over. she knew he had come home with another girl, so she kept calling and texting him! she kept texting my cousin to open the door because she knows that we are in there, so that was why megan looked at me so funny because she didnt understand why johnny wasnt telling me… the psycho ex gf later asked my cousin and megan who i was, and they just told them i was johnnys new wife. i wish they told me then, so i could see what kind of girls he dates. hahaa

i have something to tell you…

it wasn’t even a year into our relationship when he told me that he had something very important to tell me. i was talking to him on the phone, and he was being so weird. i kept asking him what he had to tell me, and he decided he wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell me anymore. i hate when people do that to me… i said to him, “whatever it is, you HAVE to tell me now, because you already told me there’s something you have to say.” he asked me if i was sure i wanted to know. i dont think i wanted to know… but i told him yes anyways. “i have a son…”

my heart, literally shattered that moment. i hung up on him, because i didnt know what to say. tears started rolling down my face, and i couldnt really breathe. i sat outside by my pool, just thinking, and after i caught my breath, i called him back. “how old is he?” the baby was just turning 2 months old. i thought about that for a moment, and realized the ‘incident’ happened 11 months prior, way before we started going out. i honestly couldnt be mad at him for something that happened before i came along. being the nice reasonable person i am, i accepted it and forgave him. he was so shocked… although i hated his babys mom, i loved his son. he was adorable! he invited me over on new years to his place because his mom, dad, another couple who were friends with his parents, his sister, brother in law, and his son were at his place. i felt a little nervous because he invited me over to a family event, but i loved that he invited me anyways :] his baby was absolutely adorable. everyone there found it SO funny that the baby would not stop crying when anyone else held him, but as soon as i held him in my arms, he was so peaceful. that was the moment that i seriously considered marrying johnny…

im just looking out for you

my second year of college was starting, and i really wanted to rush for SOPi! i was telling him about it, and he was definitely not okay with it… we got into a lot of arguments about me wanting to join a sorority, but i told him im going to make my own decisions and he can’t stop me. i really thought he had accepted it at that point because he didn’t say much to me.

it was everyone else that was telling me things… apparently a friend of mine saw him with SEVERAL other girls on SEVERAL occasions. i remember specifically finals week of fall quarter. i was at geisel with my pledgebro howard and my pledgesis. i took a break to go on myspace (yes myspace was still a bit popular then), and i saw that johnny updated his picture albums. there was a new one titled, my “woman” friend. my heart started trembling and i started to get lightheaded, and my hands were shaking so bad while i tried to click the album open. he was kissing another girl…. i really couldnt stop the tears from pouring down my face at that point. it really really really hurt… even now, i can’t stop myself from crying because i can remember exactly how i felt at that moment. my throat was all constricted and i couldnt explain myself to my pbro and psis who were just staring at me like, uhh? wat the hell happened??

i shouldve known from that moment on that i can never trust a guy like him. but i was absolutely stupid. even after being fooled like that, i still wanted to be friends with him. he texted me one random day asking me to come over to his house. i told him i cant because we’re not together anymore, OBVIOUSLY since he has a new womanfriend (who is 7 years older than him). he told me hes not asking me to come over as a girlfriend, but just as a friend. so being as stupid as i am, i went. he was home with his mom and his son, and it was nice. i missed spending time with him and his family. his son was more adorable than ever, and his mom kept trying to feed me. it was fun just hanging out with them until she came. wow. johnny ACTUALLY introduced me to her. it took all effort to hold back from slapping her across the face, and just stick out my hand and say “hi my name is emily.” we shook hands, and then they left. wat the heck? he invited me over, and hes leaving me? i figured, since im already there, ill stay and play with his son some more while chatting with his mom. i started breaking down to her because she kept telling me that she doesnt know why johnnys with that girl. she realllly didnt like mary very much… i feel like after that day, i didn’t talk to johnny. until this past august…

cursed…

you have to understand. after going through something like this, finding out that a guy i was seeing was cheating on me with atleast 4 other girls is a bit traumatizing. so traumatizing that i had a really hard time trusting guys.

i had really bad luck with relationships since then… for some reason, this “rumor” that i’m a heartbreaker or whatever was going around, and as soon as something good seemed to be happening, it ended right away because someone told them something about me. i felt cursed. honestly? what did i ever do? i thought i was a nice person. maybe it was my fault. maybe every time i met someone, i kept thinking about johnny and what he did to me, or comparing him to johnny, but whatever it was, it was not helping me!

there was a guy, though, who was very blunt and blatant about liking me since i started pledging for SOPi. to be blunt myself, i thought he was a bit creepy, because everyone had told me to stay away from him. i even had my own personal cock block who would not let him a few feet near me! hahaa. poor guy..

anyways, after having him chase after me for nearly 2 years, i figured id give him a shot. it was okay at first, but the chase itself definitely hyped up the relationship. it really wasnt that great… we tried and tried to make it work, but by the time the end of august rolled around, we realized it was a waste of effort. we ended it, and i was glad because i wanted to go to vegas single and ready to mingle ;]

yea, vegas was fun and most definitely memorable because i was able to talk to guys and let them buy me drinks without feeling guilty, but once i got back home, i did feel a bit sad. not because it didn’t work out with nate, but because i really felt like i wasn’t going to find someone that was right for me… and mid thought, i get a text message. it was johnny.

my heart fluttered and before i realized, i had a huge smile on my face! why? he doesnt deserve such a welcoming response… i don’t know, it was just nice to hear from him again after this long. i swear, i felt as if he had some sort of telepathic connection with me where he knew something was going wrong with a guy again, and he would come to my rescue.

we started talking all day, just like how it first happened, and once again, before i knew it, he was on his way down to san diego to visit me! i remember being in lab when he was calling me to let me know he was almost there. i was soo excited! i rushed home so that i could be there before he gets to my place so that he doesnt have to wait. when he called me to come meet him outside, i saw him on his bike. so hot. he took off his helmet, turned off the engine, climbed off, and gave me a hug. it felt so nice… i really missed him. i still couldnt believe that he came all the way down just to see me!

we went to lunch at ki sushi and had a great time there! i still won’t forget how fun that was, when all we were doing was eating (and drinking)! one thing that was hilarious was when andy, our sushi chef, served us a complementary dish. it was tuna decorated into a heart with a trail that lead to the bottom of the plate. he called it the ‘love line.’ i just looked at johnny, and then back at andy and was like, “um.. what love are you talking about?” hahaha. johnny did not take that very well… anyways, since this was happy hour, we were a bit buzzed and very full, so we just packed up the food we couldnt finish and headed back to my place to watch some movies.

so here we were again.. in a “relationship” that i never really considered a relationship. he convinced me that he had changed since the past. i had a hard time accepting him again because he hurt me so bad, and i dont think he realized how badly he had hurt me… he seemed sincere when he apologized, but i really couldnt trust him just yet. ESPECIALLY since he was still with mary.

he tried so bad to convince me that they weren’t doing so well and they were going to break up, soon. i took his word for it, and just waited for the day to come.

he visited me down in san diego multiple times since that visit. way more than he did the first time we were seeing each other. it really seemed like things were better this time around! he seemed to be honest with me, and he seemed to show that he cared about me more… but i always knew in the back of my mind that something wasnt right. everyone would say to me, “emily, do what makes you happy. but just be realllllly careful…” and every time i would answer with, “yea i know.” why didn’t i ever really take to heart what they were saying to me? i guess i figured id be okay this time since i expect him to do something like that…

when the new year came around, i was pretty sad and annoyed that he still hadnt broken up with mary yet. i didnt get why he needed her around when he claims that they dont get along! several times, i made him feel pretty bad by turning him down just because hes a player. i guess he doesnt like being called a player… talk about identity crisis?

valentines day was just around the corner, and i was plain upset by this time. i bluntly asked him if hes going to spend that day with mary. he told me that he wants to spend it with me and not her, but regardless he has work that day. yea right, i thought, excuses excuses. surprisingly, within the next few days, when i made a similar comment, he told me that they had broken up! it seemed so surreal. after 3 years, the FINALLY ended it?? why??

i was happy, but i was not happy. he was sulking around the whole time being sad, and that made me feel pretty shitty. but being the caring person i am, i tried to console him, and wait for him until he felt better. but i couldnt stand it anymore.

i broke up with him. i actually broke up with a guy i was not really dating. pretty ridiculous huh? i remember that night too. we talked over text at first, and then we talked on the phone for the rest of the night. i didnt want to be swayed because i spent a lot of time thinking about it. but deep down, i really didnt want to end it… but hey, what can i do if i had already done the damage? i figured it was for the best of me, and i TRIED to move on. i went out to distract myself from being sad, but it didnt help when he tried to talk to me like nothing was wrong! i was able to go a month without talking to him… which was made possible because he rarely signed on to AIM anymore.

when the 1 month mark approached, he signed on. i just stared at his sn, thinking to myself, should i talk to him? should i not? i had his IM box open too, just READY to type, and before i knew it, i got a new message! i swear he reads my mind. he had told me he stopped signing on to AIM because it was pretty depressing seeing my sn and not being able to talk to me… at the end of the conversation, it was concluded that we both miss each other, and that we should give it another shot. WHY did i ever make such a stupid decision?

anyways, we started talking againnn, and nothing too exciting happened between us. i ended up asking him to my formals, which i was very skeptical about in the first place, but it actually ended up a really great night. i had fun, and he claimed to have fun, even with a broken ankle… i did feel a bit bad because his ankle got worse since he drove me around and went everywhere with me the entire weekend… i was still happy :)

here comes the end… the real one…

it was after formals that i felt like something wasnt right. it didnt seem right that there wasnt another girl that he was leaving me for. sad right? i felt strange to NOT be cheated on? it felt so wrong, that i bluntly asked him! “are you sure youre not seeing any other girls?” starting then, i randomly threw more questions at him… “do you still talk to your ex?” “who’s car are you driving?” “do you really live with your GM from work?” “how often are you in rancho?” alll these questions were because something wasnt right…

thats when i decided to recruit a few spies and figure out what the hell was going on. this is still a bit fresh to me, so unfortunately i won’t go into much detail about everything, because it still hurts me, but on June 30, 2010. i caught him red handed. June 30, 2010 marks the day that i will never see johnny han again. and i HOPE i can abide by this statement for good…
179
25
Jun

allcreatures:

Remy and Martin

submitted by jennnypenny

my babiess <3
101
25
Jun

allcreatures:

Remy and Martin

Submitted by jennnypenny

hehee, my puppies are famous!!
284
25
Jun

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

jraquino:

Here’s a lil’ clip of my original “By Chance (You & I)”!

Jesse Barrera, Alan Ladan & I have given the song a makeover, but I hope that YOU can appreciate the creative process that went into it. =]

I’m going to be adding this on the “SPECIAL EDITION” of my album, “EXPOSURE” later this year (Along with a few other tracks also. ;] ).

Jesse, Alan & I are EXTREMELY EXCITED about this & hope you are too! =]

With Love,

JRA

Reblog/Share <3
10
Jun

martinii

i miss my puppy…. :(

gahh
10
Jun

jealous…

absolutely jealous of people who have LONGG SKINNY LEGS!!! >.<

i swear, every day that i walked around campus this quarter, i would mutter to myself, “i hate people with long legs….” especially on tuesdays and thursdays when i had to climb up stupid peterson hill and my short stubby legs would get me NOWHERE! people who would sit at the very back of regents shuttle would beat me to my class by getting there in half the time, when i was the one who sat at the very first seat, to give myself a head start T_T. today, i was walking to tap ex to grab a drink before my review session, and sure enough, the tall people walked RIGHT past me and got in the line before i could, when clearly i was “there” first.

its so sad.. i have many many things that i hate about myself, like my small eyes, wide jaw, my chubby-ness, and so on. (haha no worries tho, ive come to accept how i am, so im not all super sad about it or anything) but the ONE thing i REALLLLLLLY wish i could change about myself are my legs! gahhh. its bad enough that theyre short, but theyre chubby too >:[ i hate having thick calves.

did you know that the first serious calf reduction surgery was done in korea? of course its not safe to go through with such a serious operation (they pretty much cut out your muscle…), but sadly, i was doing some SERIOUS research! i even told my mom. who told me to become a doctor, marry someone rich who can pay for my surgery, or marry a surgeon who will make me pretty… hahaa :X

i know. random. but after the tall boy cut in front of me, it was pretty much the last straw. and my torturous walk up peterson hall didn’t help the situation either! hahahaa >.<
7
Jun

okay seriously, i HATE this quarters finals schedule…..

if im still alive after tuesday 6pm, ill be VERY amazed. gahhhhh
6
Jun

time is honestly flying by so fast, and i cant seem to keep up…
219
4
Jun

gatekeeper:

Life is like an hourglass. Sooner or later everything hits the bottom. You just gotta be patient and wait for someone to turn it around.
4
Jun

i guess i used to like to write back in highschool. haha

so julley was telling me the other day how she found her old xanga… so of course i had to go searching for mine :]]

i read all my entries dating back to august of 2003! insaneee. but im so glad i did :D i learned that i loved to write and update on my life, so i was able to re-experience everything that happened in highschool! oh how i miss those days…

anyways, i found the poem i wrote when my best friend passed away. :sigh: i miss her so much…

“…I didn’t see this coming,
It hit me by surprise.
And when you left this world,
A small part of me died.

Your smile could brighten anyone’s day
No matter what they’re going through.
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I will be missing you…”

and its true, i havent stopped missing her T_T. RIP kathleen mamasig <3

another interesting thing i found… was when i first met johnny! hahahaa. i figured it out :] summer ‘03. its seriously been a WHILE. wow. so this was when i was 15 years old… me and my friend sheryl used to go to this place called cnc all the freakin time (because theres nothing else to do with no car, haha) and we would just bug the owners joon and julius (theyre brothers). so joon had us run a whole bunch of errands for him, and after a while, he jokingly said he was tired of us so he asked his friend johnny to take us awayy. FAR far away. so thats where it all started… lol

okay i must stop with the distractions and get back to reading! :[ gluck on finals everyone!!
3
Jun

i cant even focus right now

i dont get why i live my life under the control of someone other than me. and especially when they dont even know it. i feel like i always have so much anticipation for things to go the way ive always dreamed for years and years… and yea its getting there, but pretty damn slowly!

i suppose since i always do have a smile on my face, its hard for people to decipher how i truly feel. and it takes someone who knows me PRETTY WELL to be able to figure that part out. i want him to be someone that can figure me out… it makes me so sad to have to pretend to be happy. i mean really? can any girl be happy when they know that the guy they might be falling in love with has another girlfriend? has a child? has a bad past? is hated by her parents? is the reason for the tears running down her face? wants her to change and be someone shes not…?

on the other hand, how can a girl NOT be with a guy who still gives her the butterflies even after over 4 years? who makes her feel like a princess? who makes her think about a future with him? who makes her happy? who seems so perfect??

i honestly feel like ive devoted so much of my life to him, and i cant help but feel like it was all for nothing. he seriously has this way of coming back into my life JUST when i feel like i am strong enough to keep him out of it… i know i may not be the smartest person in the world, but it doesnt take much to know that hes not good for me… so can someone please tell me why i cant seem to let him go?
1
Jun

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away…
29
May

he told me once before that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. & i really agree with this saying 100% because can’t seem to forget the way he makes me feel, the good & bad..
22
Apr

it’s been a longggg long while since i last blogged, so here i am! typing away at my computer, as if im talking to myself. lol.. which is technically the case right now.

but unfortunately, i don’t think i have much to say right now, so until something interesting happens, ciao!